


find some peace tonight

by hannahsapiens



Series: et invenies requiem nocte [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, M/M, Slight stevebucky, Steve suffers with the fact that he's lost Tony forever, What did you expect from me, hella angst, unconfirmed stevetony
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-17
Updated: 2016-05-17
Packaged: 2018-06-09 01:46:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6883966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hannahsapiens/pseuds/hannahsapiens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>dolore et desiderio relinquere cicatrices pessima - pain and regrets leave the worst scars</p>
            </blockquote>





	find some peace tonight

**Author's Note:**

> The Steve POV counterpart to that Angsty Tony fic.
> 
> Love y'all.

_principium // the beginning_

Your name is Steve Rogers, and you never, ever back down.

The gang of bullies in your third grade class came at you again, they came at you for defending someone.

Yes, you know you're weaker, and smaller and thinner than most of the kids in your grade, but you know the right thing. You know what to do. Even if it breaks you. You're strong. Your name is Steven Grant Rogers and you are strong.

But that doesn't mean you're not allowed to cry.

So you run home crying, you cry and you don't care if you look like you just got beat up-well, you just got beat up-but you need to reach home, and you need your mother's warmth.

Sarah Rogers greets you at the door, and the sight of your tear stained face doesn't surprise her, though it pains her to see that her beautiful son, her beautiful Steven Grant Rogers is the subject of mockery in his school.

She hugs you, tightly. She leads you to your bedroom, asks you to wash your face and change your clothes. She cooks your favorite meal, and you eat in silence.

Later, after she reads you a story, she caresses your hair and tells you.

"Whatever happens, Steve, even if everyone backs down, you stand up. You always stand up."

She then leaves, and you never know this, but she breaks down crying.

_renascitur // reborn_

It hurts.

Your name is Steve Rogers and it hurts. You didn't even want this super-soldier serum or whatever. But you wanted to join the army. You wanted to finally prove yourself to the world. You want everyone to know that you never back down. That you will always stand up.

Your body changed. You're suddenly taller, bigger. Your muscles are defined, your senses are heightened. You're something even more than a human, even though you look like one. But it doesn't matter, because you need to fight a war, and you need to end a war.

You need to do this for your people, because you never back down.

_exitibus // crossroads_

Your name is Steve Rogers and you lose Bucky Barnes.

Your pal, your buddy, your bucky. Back in the day, you were thick as thieves. Bucky took you under his wing, protecting you from the bullies. You never knew why Bucky stuck to you, or why he helped you put newspapers in your shoes (you'll never, ever tell anyone that), and most of all, you'll never know why he was always so happy to see you, even though you were just a wimpy little kid.

So it wounded you when you failed to grab Bucky's arms, it wounded you when the trust in his eyes never extinguished, even as he was falling down in the snowy abyss.

Up till now, as you are slowly freezing in arctic ice, your failure to stand by Bucky and protect him still haunts you, but that's okay, because you promise to yourself that you'll find him.

You'll always find him.

_in medio // the middle_

"Big man in a suit of armor. Take that away and what are you?"

Your name is Steve Rogers, and Tony Stark is the biggest annoyance of your entire life.

You are constantly annoyed by his blabbering mouth, his big head and larger than life ego. All the guy ever talks about was how big his mansion was back when he was little, or how he could easily upgrade the team's weapons supply and uniforms.

But he intrigued you. You wonder why his eyes lit up with childlike fascination when he first saw you. You wanted to know more. What was he? Other than the 'Genius. Billionaire. Playboy. Philanthropist' he claims himself to be.

So you befriend Tony Stark. You learn little, but it helped you understand the guy better, especially after he just risked his ass trying to save the world.

You'll only realize later on why the hurt you felt at the sight of Tony Stark falling from the sky is closer in ilk to what you felt when Bucky fell into the abyss.

  
_a principio ad finem // the beginning of the end_

Your name is Steve Rogers, and your enemy's name is Tony Stark.

You know, you know that this will destroy you. You know that this will destroy your family, Tony's family. You know that this will destroy Tony's very being.

But you have to save Bucky. You can't let him down again, not after you made a promise decades ago.

You were with him till the end of the line.

You never knew who threw the first punch. All you know is that you never should have lied. You should have told Tony. You should have told Tony, you were in no position to keep the truth from him. You were too late to realize that while you kepy Bucky safe, you destroyed Tony Stark.

So you kept throwing punches. He ripped Bucky's arm, and now, you're ripping off his faceplate.

You slammed your shield down his arc reactor, and God, God himself knows that the sickening crack of the reactor will forever haunt you.

So you walk away, you didn't turn back. You walked away and you left your shield behind.

If you only knew that that would be the last time you'll ever see Tony Stark, your Tony Stark, alive, then you would have turned back. You would have gathered his broken pieces in your arms and took him to a place where you can put him back together.

But you don't know any of that yet.

So you walk away, and you never turn back.

_statim finis // the end is near_

They wouldn't tell you how he died.

Your package was received, T'Challa made sure of that. The phone you sent to Tony only had one number, and it was the number of the spare phone you've been keeping in the left pocket of your favorite pants.

The day it rings was the day you wish you never picked up.

"Hello? Tony. God, Tony I've been waiting for you to call."

"Tony?" A rough voice asks.

You stall. "This is Tony right?"

"Tony's dead. Who are you."

The phone drops from your hands.

You hope and pray that this was a sick joke. You hope and pray that the one who answered the call was just an assistant of Tony, because Tony was busy, or maybe Tony wanted to ask something.

But Tony wouldn't do that. No, Tony is dead. Tony is dead and you know it. You knew it the moment your shield slammed down his arc reactor. You knew it the moment you walked away for good.

Later on, you realized it was Rhodes who received the package. It was Rhodes who called the phone and verified your fears.

A day after that your shield is delivered in the mail.

You find it ironic, because all his life, Tony wanted to be free from his father's grasp. But then again, you did kill him with the shield his father made for you. Howard Stark found another way to haunt his son again.

You can't look at it.

Not when you still hear the sound of Tony's voice.

Of Tony's pain.

And Tony's fear.

_finis // the end_

You never really knew how he died. Nobody would tell you.

For this day only, the avengers were gathered in one place. With one missing.

Nat was two rows in front of you. You didn't need your heightened senses to know that her knuckles were bleeding, and that the handkerchief she's holding-the one Tony sent to her as a gag gift-was wet with tears.

Wanda, Clint, Sam, Bruce and Thor all paid their respects silently. They were three rows behind you. But their pain and guilt was so thick, you can feel it deep in your bones.

T'Challa was in front, sitting right beside Pepper Potts, offering her comfort.

You feel shame rolling off you like waves. You don't deserve to be here, you can't pay your respects. You killed him, you killed this man. You killed Tony Stark.

Slowly, everyone leaves. You looked away just as they were lowering his coffin. You can't look. You don't deserve to see it.

The others bid their goodbyes. You stay behind.

You see Pepper tracing Tony's gravestone. Fondly touching and tracing his names, as if she was tracing Tony's face.

"I know you're there Steve."

Steve pulls down the hood.

"I'm sorry."

"Tony wouldn't want you to apologize." Another voice says. Rhodes.

"Because he won't forgive me." You continue. And you know it. You don't deserve Tony's forgiveness.

Pepper leaves.

Rhodes leaves next.

Natasha, a silent shadow watching from the trees, comes forward.

"Steve."

"It wasn't supposed to end this way, Nat. You know that." Your voice cracks. The last time your voice did this, you just buried Peggy. Now, you just saw Tony, your Tony being lowered down the ground.

Natasha freezes, but tears continue to pour silently down her cheeks.

"Was it worth it? Cap?" She leaves you.

You finally break down. You cry, you cry and you clutch the grass beside Tony's grave. You scream, you tell him how sorry you were, but it's pointless because he can't hear you. Because he'll never hear you, and you cry because it hurts.

"I should've backed down, I should, I should have backed down and I'm sorry. Tony I'm so sorry." You cried out.

But it doesn't matter.

He'll never hear you.

_principium // the beginning_

You turn off the lights just as your mom leaves.

You yawn and stare out the window. Tomorrow is another day, and you need to rest after the long day you just had.

"I promise mom. I swear it to all. I will never back down."

"I will always stand up."

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment if I had any mistakes.
> 
> I tweaked a few things a bit. This is an AU after all.
> 
> Title inspired by Arms of the Angel by Sarah Maclachlan.
> 
> Please don't kill me.


End file.
